That's what love is
by Account8728
Summary: My take on the end of S18E44 'Indefensible', picks up right where the episode leaves off. Hopefully it will fill the Olympic #Berena gap for a few minutes.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** OC's are usually annoying. I fully appreciate the fact that Holby City fans looking to stretch the #Berena high a little further don't want to spend six pages reading about someone they don't know. Therefore, please accept my assurance that Tessa is less an OC than a plot device; in the absence of any realistic canon contenders for the job she serves as a useful catalyst for Serena's thought process, and very little else.

* * *

 **I**

Serena drew her coat around her protectively as she hurried out of the hospital. It was windy outside and the rain was still pelting down, gusts of it forcing themselves under Serena's umbrella as she made for her car. Her keys were predictably stuck in the bottom of her bag, the keychain tangled in the wire of her phone charger and the handles of her silky-thin bag for life. She yanked at the keys, swearing one-handed in exasperation, until they came free with an unexpected jerk which sent them skittering across the tarmac, her umbrella tipping to disgorge a shower of icy water down the back of her legs. "Oh for Christ's sake!" she shouted, wrestling it back into the sky. She could not stand one more bloody thing today.

"Bad day?"

Serena looked up to see Tessa Grayson, one of the longer serving anaesthetists, bend to pick up the car keys. "You don't want to know."

"Why? What's the matter?"

Serena scowled as she took the wet keys off Tessa, their umbrellas meeting overhead to create a small, dim shelter from the storm. "Bernie Wolfe."

"Ah, that."

"What?" It wasn't the response Serena had been expecting and it left her a little thrown, squinting up at Tessa in the dim light. Tessa just raised her eyebrows.

"You all right?"

Serena shook herself out of it. "Yes, yes I'm fine."

Tessa studied her for a second, unconvinced. "You really don't look it. Why don't I buy you a drink."

Serena huffed out a tired, shaky breath. "Because right now I'm wet and bad company and I'm supposed to be driving home."

Tessa reached in and took hold of the handle of Serena's umbrella, keeping it in place above her head. "Hold your hands out."

"What?"

"Hold your hands out. Go on."

"I'm fine Tessa." Serena grumbled, knowing where this was leading. Even so, she reluctantly shouldered her bag and let go of the umbrella to hold both hands out in front of her. To her consternation they were shaking. She hadn't realised the last few minutes had affected her quite that badly.

Tessa handed back the umbrella carefully. "You're not fine. And you're not driving. Come on, I can run you home after if I have to."

Serena tried half-heartedly to shrug off Tessa's concern, knowing equally that her friend wouldn't be deflected and that she was pretty sure she didn't want her to be. "I'm just tired. It's nothing, really."

"Of course. Now come and have a drink." Tessa took her elbow, already steering her towards Albie's.

"Fine. But just one drink."

"Absolutely."

* * *

Serena deposited her dripping umbrella alongside half a dozen others by the pub door and followed Tessa over to the bar.

"Glass of Shiraz please, and a coffee."

"Thank you." Serena shrugged her wet coat onto one arm and leant against the counter, watching the barman pouring the wine.

"How was Jason's first day at work?" Tessa asked, turning to look at her.

"Oh, perfect. He suggested some efficiency savings."

"That was quick."

"Yes. Apparently I'm the problem. He said I spent all day staring at him when I should have been discharging patients."

Tessa laughed, her eyes crinkled and glittering with amusement so that Serena found her glare dissolving quickly. "Oh gosh. At least you know he trusts you."

Serena regarded her quizzically, eyes narrowed. "How so?"

Tessa took her coffee and they started over towards one of the many empty tables in the uncharacteristically quiet bar. "Well, his first day, in his first job, to come up and tell you that. He couldn't have done that if he didn't have complete confidence in your relationship."

Serena draped her coat over the back of a chair and sat, the words having caused a nasty grip of pain in her chest which she tried to cover by taking a sip of wine. She'd experienced first-hand today what it felt like when that was not the case. "Hah. Yes. Hadn't looked at it like that I suppose."

Tessa stirred her coffee, watching her. "What happened tonight?"

Serena stared at her hands on the table, the grain of the wood, the overhead lights reflected in the red glow of the glass, trying to focus enough to work out how she felt, and why. "What did you mean, earlier?"

"When?"

"Outside, when you asked me what was wrong. You said…" Serena sought for the phrase Tessa had used, frowning at the table.

"Ah, that."

Serena looked up at Tessa, meeting her gaze unflinchingly. "What did you mean?"

Tessa smiled. "Well, you and Bernie. The way you look at her, the way you are with her. You're practically inseparable these days. I'd hardly be your friend if I couldn't tell you love her. You fell weeks ago."

Serena dropped her eyes back to her glass, still largely untouched. "Months." She corrected quietly. "Since that first day in the bloody car park." She'd never seen anyone so poised, so beautiful, so captivating. Bernice Wolfe even managed to make smoking look sexy. Then over the months, through laughter, drinks and arguments, somehow they'd managed to fall into something that had become indispensable to Serena. Something that was largely unspoken, unquestioned, but something which worked perfectly nonetheless. Something which, until half an hour ago, she had not been able to call a relationship because Bernie, thrilling confident tangled Bernie, hadn't even realised it was happening.

"I know. You're being very sweet. Very gentle." Despite the fact they'd never talked about this Serena knew that Tessa did know. She'd treated Bernie when she was first admitted to the hospital. They'd developed quite the rapport while Bernie was a patient and Tessa had been one of the few people Bernie had continued to talk to when common knowledge of her affair with Alex Dawson had left her at the centre of the hospital rumour mill. Besides which, she'd treated a regular flow of AAU patients these past few months, sitting in theatre as Serena and Bernie sparred and flirted their way through countless operations.

Serena gripped the stem of her wineglass, trying to curb the sudden force of her desire to keep Bernie close and protect her from everything and anything. The divorce, the affair, the self-doubt that left her constantly on edge. To give her enough space to work everything out in her own time. To not push her on this, because she couldn't bear to see that look of utter panic flash across her face. "She's fragile." She said, knowing Tessa would understand exactly what she meant.

Tessa nodded. "Yes. And for what it's worth, I think you're going about it the right way. Sooner or later the penny will drop."

Serena sighed, swirling her glass slowly. It had dropped. It ought to make her happy, and it did, somewhere. Mostly though she was still reeling from the events that had brought that revelation about. That had left Bernie completely terrified and Serena so angry she couldn't bring herself to reach out and tell her that everything would be all right. How often had Bernie done that for her when she really needed it? "Her son was brought in today through the ED." She said, pinpointing the moment this whole bloody mess had started.

"Cameron?"

Serena nodded.

"Is he all right?"

"Yes he's fine. Just scratches really. He was involved in that RTC this evening, the pregnant woman."

Tessa sucked in her breath. "Wow. Lucky boy then."

"Isn't he just." Serena could still see Bernie's face as she registered the name on the patient file, pulled back the cubicle curtain. The way she'd drawn herself in when Cameron had pulled away from her during the exam. "She was so shaken. He didn't even want her to touch him."

Tessa frowned, knowing how much that would have hurt. "Did Bernie want to treat him? Is that what caused the argument?"

Serena shook her head. It had been perfectly easy to let Bernie treat her son. It even seemed to have done them both some good. Eventually. "No, that was fine. They seemed to have made it up actually, by the time I left. It was…" Serena sighed, not knowing quite how to explain the monumental mess she was still trying to get her own head around. "The police were asking about the accident. Apparently the car Cameron was in was driving erratically, and Cameron had said he'd been driving. The breathalyser was clean so they wanted the blood test results to check for drugs."

"Had he taken drugs?"

"No. He wasn't even the driver."

"Why would he lie?"

"To protect his girlfriend. She was drunk. Friend of Bernie's. Well, old registrar. Keeley Carson?" Serena raised her eyebrows questioningly at Tessa, wondering if she'd recognise the name. Tessa shook her head. "Bernie knew he was lying. I think she worked it out before she even saw Keeley's injuries, which were pretty conclusive. But it seems Cameron gave her an ultimatum. Keep quiet or he'd never speak to her again."

"And she believed him." Tessa sat back in her chair, and Serena could see her fitting the pieces into place. She knew Bernie well enough to work out what would have happened next.

Serena pressed her fingers to her lips, trying to make the whole thing somehow less painful. "Of course she believed him."

Tessa sighed, reading Serena's face. "So she lied."

Serena nodded, feeling the prick of tears. "The police were right there, Tessa. The evidence was glaring. And he'd told her. Actually told her. I knew something was wrong. I asked her, repeatedly. She wasn't even going to tell me. She actually lied, right to my face." Serena took a sip of wine, her hands shaky. "How can you love someone this much and be this angry with them at the same time?"

"Because you understand why she does it."

"Do I?" Serena brought her hand down sharply onto the table.

"Yes." Tessa leant forward and put her hand over Serena's, squeezing gently until she unballed her fist. "Because in her own twisted way she's trying not to hurt anyone."

Serena took a breath, steadying her voice. "I thought she trusted me. I really thought…"

"That she'd changed? That after fifty years of hiding who she is and dealing with personal problems by burying them as deep as they'll go, three months flirting with you would change that? You don't believe that Serena. Not really."

Serena shook her head silently. Of course she knew better. She'd just been swept away by it, those heady few weeks where she and Bernie had suddenly seemed to fly. Laughing together, operating together, drinking together, fleeting touches on the arm evolving into an intense, glorious effortless intimacy that felt like it would last forever.

"It doesn't change the fact that she loves you. Anyone who watches you together can see that. Eventually she will too."

"She has." Serena's voice was quiet as she finally let herself feel the full force of it. She'd heard it in Bernie's voice as she called out to stop her leaving, seen it in her face as she apologised. She'd said _us_ , easily, finally. It had made it possible for Serena to reciprocate, to offer a reassurance she'd thought she was too angry to give. Loving Bernie had hurt today. Having to defend her had hurt. But looking back now Serena could see the weight that had been lifted off her. The simple happiness in her smile as she wished her goodnight. She had understood perfectly. "She knows."

Tessa smiled. "Well then, you're halfway there."

"And what about the other half? How do I do that?" Serena stared at her glass, still barely touched. The whole thing had been bad enough to put her off Shiraz. Damn, damn, damn Bernie Wolfe. She was too old for this nonsense.

"Much the same way I suppose. Patience, persistence, accepting that it won't be perfect."

"Or easy."

Tessa patted Serena's arm, comfortingly. "No. But look at it this way, if today is the worst it gets, is that really so awful? This was never going to be easy, you knew that going in. You both have complicated lives, and pasts, and you're too bloody stubborn. But you got through today, and something positive came out of it."

Serena considered the point as she took a last, unsatisfying sip of wine. "You might be right."

"Talk to her about it. Properly. Work some things out now and then next time will be easier."

"Next time?" Serena looked up, suddenly feeling so very tired. How could she even begin to face a next time?

"She does also have a daughter." Tessa's deadpan broke into a grin as Serena glared at her.

"You're laughing at me."

"Yes, a little. You take these things so seriously."

"It is serious." Serena protested.

"Of course it is. But Bernie Wolfe just as good as told you she loves you, and you got to say it back. Whatever brought that about, you can let yourself enjoy it. Of course you're hurt, and angry. You don't need to let it stop you. She will understand."

Would she, Serena wondered. Or would she pull away from her, turning in on herself at the guilt of having hurt Serena, unintentionally, unthinkingly, yet again. Perhaps not this time. Not after tonight. She looked up at Tessa, feeling halfway calm for the first time in hours. "Thank you."

Tessa nodded, smiling. "Any time. Now drink your wine before I have you admitted."

Serena snorted, then sipped. _Shiraz._ Finally it tasted right.


	2. Chapter 2

II

As she left the pub and waved goodbye to Tessa, watching her driving off through the rain, Serena knew she wasn't going home. She had to find Bernie. Rather than taking the lift up to AAU she headed for the stairs, climbing slowly while she tried to work out what she was going to do if she wasn't there. One look through the glass-panelled doors was enough to solve that problem at least. Bernie was dressed ready to leave, her coat buttoned and her bag under her arm as she stood and talked to Cameron, now sat by Keeley's bedside.

Relieved, Serena made her way back downstairs towards the Wyvern entrance. It was quiet this far into the evening. She leant on the railing outside the doors and stared out at the darkness, watching the rain, trying to settle herself. Eventually she heard footsteps behind her, then a familiar voice.

"Serena?"

Serena turned. Her smile, at first a little forced and tight around the edges, softened as she looked at Bernie, tall and pale, hair a frazzled mess, looking totally shattered and utterly, impossibly beautiful.

"You waited." Bernie walked up to her and stopped, hands in pockets, unsure.

"How's Cameron?" Serena asked, careful to keep any judgement out of her voice. The events of the evening were still raw, but she had no desire to revisit them now.

Bernie's lips twitched briefly into a self-deprecating smile. "Fine. He's sitting with Keeley. He sent me home."

"Sensible boy." Serena tilted her head questioningly. "You looked like you'd managed to make up."

Bernie smiled more easily this time, her eyes creasing as she thought about her son. "Yes. Turns out his opinion of me isn't irretrievably damaged after all. He didn't hate me for telling the police. I think, in the end, he actually wanted me to." She shook her head, eyes unfocussed. "It's like he's grown up while I wasn't looking. He was talking about the divorce. He'd worked it out, the affair, Alex, everything, but he was so wise about it, so kind. He said…"

Serena shifted, tightening at the subject, still too on edge to have all those bad feelings dredged up as well. "Bernie…"

Bernie stalled, her eyes flicking up at Serena then away again. "Sorry." She shook her head again as if to clear it. "I'm sorry, Serena, I've been…"

Serena held up a hand, stopping her. "Look, I didn't wait here for another apology."

Bernie rocked on her heels, studying Serena. "Why did you wait?"

Serena sighed tiredly, exasperated at herself, at Bernie, and yet unable to not make the admission. "To make sure you were all right I suppose."

"I am." Bernie pushed her hands deeper into her pockets. Serena regarded her critically. "I will be." Bernie corrected, drawing herself up to add conviction to her words.

"Hmm. Well I'm going to drive you home."

Bernie looked up at the rain as if she was noticing it for the first time. "I've got the car."

"Which has minimal ground clearance, barely any tread on the tires and which you drive like a maniac. Even when you haven't just had the shift from hell."

Bernie smiled at that, a glint in her eye now. "It's a sports car Serena. You're not supposed to drive it under thirty miles an hour."

"That is a matter of opinion." Serena pulled her bag more firmly onto her shoulder and unfolded her umbrella. "Are you coming? Or do I have to start listing all the reasons why you should not be arguing with me right now?" She held up the umbrella and extended her elbow in silent invitation.

Bernie regarded her for a second, trying to hide her smile, then stepped up close and slipped her arm through Serena's. "Well then Ms Campbell, lead on."

When they left the shelter of the Wyvern awning Serena angled the umbrella to cover Bernie properly and Bernie pulled instinctively closer, their steps synchronising easily. A gust of wind buffeted them suddenly, making Serena tense with the effort of keeping the umbrella upright and in position, and a moment later her hand was covered by Bernie's, her strong grip easily holding it in place above them.

"Easy." Bernie muttered, voice low with amusement. "Don't you go all Mary Poppins on me."

It was the closest they had ever been, and Serena felt the rightness of it warm her to her toes. However angry she still was, however much Bernie's deception had hurt and however inevitable the next disaster might be, she knew with absolute certainty that none of that mattered more than keeping Bernie close.

Once they reached the car Bernie held the umbrella over Serena as she fished for her keys and unlocked the car, slipping into the driver's seat while Bernie shook the rain off the umbrella, getting wet as she shoved it into the foot well in the back and hurried round to the passenger's side. Serena put the key in the ignition and switched on the windscreen wipers as Bernie slid into the seat beside her and leant back, her eyes closing with a quiet sigh. She looked totally drained. Serena reached over to take her hand, glad when Bernie's fingers closed around hers, squeezing quickly.

"Thank you."

Serena hummed sceptically. "Thank me when we get there. My car may be safer that yours but this is still quite the storm."

"I have every confidence in your driving." Bernie said quietly as she fastened her seatbelt.

"Hmm." Serena put the car in gear and turned it towards the exit. "Which way Ms Wolfe?"

"Flyover's probably quickest, then the A432."

"You'd better not fall asleep on me." Serena warned, glancing at Bernie as she tipped her head back and closed her eyes again. "I don't know my way around St. Jude's."

Bernie huffed out a laugh, eyes still closed. "No chance. I've had first-hand experience of your navigational skills don't forget. I'd like to get home before midnight."

Serena swiped at her with the back of her hand and watched Bernie smile out of the corner of her eye. "Less of that, thank you."

They drove in silence save for Bernie's occasional quiet direction. Serena focussed on the road and the weather, comfortably aware of Bernie beside her, quiet and still, her mind clearly elsewhere.

As they neared their destination Bernie sat up a little straighter. "Left here, then second right. It's number 38."

Serena pulled up into the gravelled drive of a small, neat, impersonal terrace. "Home in one piece. Now you're allowed to thank me."

"Thank you. For all of it." Serena watched Bernie undo her seatbelt slowly then pull her keys out of her bag and hesitate, eyes down. "I realise I've been…" She sighed, searching for the words, finally looking up at Serena, her face tired and open. "These past few months, you're the only thing that's kept me going. I'm so sorry that I haven't… that you'd feel it's not appreciated."

Serena reached out and put a hand on Bernie's arm. "That's not… I said that because I was angry." She said quietly.

"Yes." Bernie took Serena's hand, exploring it with her fingers, letting her thumb drift across the inside of Serena's wrist, watching her intently. "And you have every right to be. But you are appreciated. You mustn't doubt that."

Serena smiled. "Thank you." She watched Bernie watching her, small lines crinkling the corners of her eyes and nearly hiding the dark smudges underneath, and let the moment stretch until, keeping hold of Serena's hand, Bernie leant in and kissed her cheek.

"Good night Serena."

Serena waited while Bernie got out of the car, hugging her bag to her chest and dipping her head against the rain, then leant across before she could close the door. "Oh, and you're buying lunch tomorrow, by way of a proper apology."

Bernie grinned. "Yes ma'am."

Serena watched her run to the house, sparkling in the headlights, and waited until the door had closed behind her before she pulled away.


End file.
